2010

The last two years I have written a blog on the last day of the year. It brings me jokes looking back and reading them and actually makes me cringe quite a lot. I like it though because it shows me I am actually maturing and that's a good thing.

I wanted to get fitter this year. I failed. I don't even care, I'd just rather binge on fatty foods after making random trips to the supermarket with my house mate, and drink loads of alcohol with my friends.

I also wanted to keep selfish and only focus on myself. I have done (most of the time), I think I might of taken it a bit too far with one specific example but I'm hopefully gonna get that sorted AND if I do that'll be the only thing I don't have complete! Good one. Some people do get to me too much sometimes but such is life, I soon move on and brush them off. Let them regret what they've done 'coz I couldn't give a feck!

This year I have learnt many a thing -

• I'm better at exams than coursework and shouldn't waste as much time on essays as I do because it's pointless.
• Sometimes giving people a second chance can work out okay, but things will never be as they were. That's often a good thing.
• I can't handle my alcohol like I could when I was at college.
• I love marmite on everything.
• When people find what THEY think is a fault in you they will always try and put you down because of it. They will make snap judgements and try and bring you down, and will often try and cover it up by making it sound like a joke. Luckily I'm comfortable with who I am, the way I look and where I wanna go so their attempts with me will always fail. Shallowness is sad, this is THEIR fault. The difference is - they know it is and so they don't need people constantly throwing it in their face. Self-criticism is always the worst and thus, they will always be the ones worse off, gutted.

There's more but meh.

In 2011 I don't really want to make plans. I'm gonna graduate and so with that things are gonna change completely. I'll have to move back to Essex full time and try and get a full time job so I can save and go travelling. That's my vague plan. It may not happen, that's why I don't want to set myself specific targets.

Apart from this I'll continue to be self-centred, think only about myself and let people who wanna talk to me and be a part of my life do such!

One final thing I want to say is losing someone as an adult hits you ten times harder than when you're a kid. Going into 2011 I want good health and happiness to those I do care about, and I'll be raising a glass for everyone who can't be here to celebrate with me - because no matter how many fresh starts I'll make they'll always be a part of it! I am who I am because of them.

If you read this you really wanna get a life.

Peace x

Hello.

I have just been given a different perspective of everything I've been going through this week.

I have felt angry and annoyed by people who constantly fuck you over and make a fool of you. I've been very grumpy and very rude.

However someone who I know fairly well is going through a heck of a lot more. Their strength and everything they're doing at the moment made me wake up and question everything I was doing, thinking and the way I was behaving. Life is about focusing on the people you know you CAN rely on, even if there are few and far between of them, they should be given your energy, not the negative people. You should live every moment with them and enjoy it. The person who made me realise this is beautiful and an inspiration in so many ways, I know they're gonna keep fighting and WILL make a full recovery, they just will! It's a bit sad that something as serious as that made me realise and I'm a bit ashamed of myself for it but I'll admit that.

From now on I will try and keep this perspective and disregard anything unnecessary that generally won't make a difference to anything I do in the long run.

Thank you.

Peace x

Sometimes I wish I was a robot.

Don't you bloody hate it when one of the people you can't stand in the world starts copying you? To the extreme THEY COPY YOUR BLOODY BLOG. Ef off out of my life you butt ugly swine!

On the other hand, don't you bloody love it when it turns out that girl is a butt ugly swine! Hahahahahahahahaha. Gutttttted!

Peace x

I turned 21

Yesterday I turned 21. I had the best day. I stayed in bed until I had uni at 12, then after my hour there went to a friends. They bought me a tandem space hopper and made me marmite wedges and marmite eggy bread. After this I napped, then went for dinner and a wide variety of drinks where I was given some more presents and presented with a home-made, marmite flavoured cake. This is the brief description. It was a chilled, relaxed day with no worries and was just the best birthday.

It's the first one I've felt that I'm finally at a point where I am ready for a new chapter and to do something different. It's silly that I need some sort of special occasion for this realisation but hey-ho that's how it's gone. I am ready to graduate, travel a little, find a job, travel a little more and then get my teeth into a decent career. I'm worried about the rates of graduate unemployment but I'll get through it in the end.

University is hard this year. Very hard. It's almost as if it's my third year...I live in the library and constantly have about 10 books to read. Good times? Non.

I'm excited for the rest of my birthday celebrations including the K+D themed fancy dress party and the gathering with my family in a few weeks.

Life is super, really really super.

That is all.

Peace x

...I run to the river and dive straight in. I pray that the water will drown out the din, but as the water fills my mouth it couldn't wash the echoes out, but as the water fills my mouth it couldn't wash the echoes out. I swallowed this sound and it swallows me whole 'til there's nothing left inside my soul - an emptiness, that beating drum but the sound has just begun...as I move my feet towards your body I can hear this beat, it fills head up and gets louder, and louder...

Bullyproof

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2009, wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experiences.
I will dispense this advice now:

Enjoy the power and the beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You'll never understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back and photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you looked. You are not as fat as you imagined.

Don't worry about the future, or worry. But know that worrying is as effective as solving an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are actually the things that never crossed your worried mind, the ones that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste time on jealousy.

Sometimes you're ahead. Sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your hold love letters and throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives. some of the most interesting 40 year olds still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance to funky chicken and your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance, and so are everybody elses.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the best instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have no-where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worse.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

You'll never listen to me.

You've come so far, well done darlin' we knew that you had it in you.

You can do anything that you want, world is an oyster, don't dissapoint us, ta.

Now you can stand on your own two feet, you can lead me through the streets, pave the way, and we can dream dreams, no-one else can see what you make me see.

Still climbing trees, tripping up over fallen leaves but holding hands, no-one else could ever understand what it's like between us...and that's between us.

Well done now.

Am I near it?

'I don't know how more people haven't got mental health problems, thinking is one of THE most stressful things I've ever come across and not being able to articulate what I want to say drives me crazy. I think I should read some more books, learn some new words; my sister used to read the dictionary and I'm gonna start with that.

I'd like to travel, I want to see India and the pyramids, a whale and that race with all the bicycles in France. I'm not sure about rivers, they scare me but I love swimming, I'm good at it and when I swim I count the laps and this helps me relax.

When I was younger I saw a house burn down and I walked past it for the next 6 years; derelict, black, chalky and dangerous. I wondered if squatters lived there, I'm still not sure but I know there were never any parties 'coz it was a shithole. After a while the council got round to tidying up the town. They decided it was an eyesore, and so they tore it down. Behind the house was a wall with a few bits of crappy graffiti and the world C*** written in giant letters, and now I walk past that.

I like going to the park, I like walking through it. I like taking my dogs there, and friends and I like being alone.

I like being able to shout but I wish I could be quiet. When I'm quiet people just think I'm sad and usually I am.

Sometimes when I'm at a really noisy train station, one of the ones with the big, fat trains like Kings Cross I feel like putting down my bags and shouting things out because I've got something to say.

Don't you want to share the guilt?'

Summer is good, jury service is okay, I passed my second year and will commence my third in September. I'm looking forward to the festivals and to my holiday. I'm looking forward to random trips and days and nights out with my friends.

Goodbye.

I hate seagulls

I hate seagulls and I hate being sick.

I hate burning my finger on the toaster and I hate nits.

I hate falling over, I hate grazing my knee.

I hate picking off the scab a little bit too early.

I hate getting toothache, I hate when it's a piss take.

I hate all the mistakes I make.

I hate rude, ignorant bastards and I hate snobbery.

I hate anyone who if I was serving chips wouldn't talk to me.

But...

I...have...a friend...with whom I like to spend...any time I can find...with.

I like sleeping in your bed.

I like knowing what is going on inside your head.

I like taking time and I like your mind.

I like when your hand is in mine.

I like getting drunk on the dunes by the beach.

I like picking strawberries.

I like cream teas and I like reading ghost stories.

And my heart skips a beat every time that we meet it's been a while and now your smile is almost like a memory but then you're back and I am fine 'coz you're with me and I'm in love, with you.

And I can't find the words to make it sound unique but honestly you make me strong, I can't believe I've found someone this kind I hope it carries on 'coz you're so nice and I'm in love, with you.

I dunny kin.

I know there's a blue horizon somewhere up ahead just waiting for me.

Even if getting there means leaving you behind.

Sometimes life's so bittersweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry, and let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side.

I guess it's gonna break my heart,

Like falling when you're tryna fly.

It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.

:))))

I have a few things to get off of my chest.

Firstly the disgusting disease that is causing my chest to feel tight and is making me cough a lot. Though today it is easing a bit.

Secondly slow walkers are so annoying. You could at least move out of my way.

Thirdly people make me sad. People who break trust make me sad. People who lie make me sad. People who don't embrace life make me sad. People who think I'm a fool who doesn't know what they are doing make me sad. Not sad in the way that I feel sad in myself. Sad in the sense that I feel bad for them. Although I might think this world would be nicer, happier and more cheery without such folk, I actually quite like them for helping to make this world as diverse and strange as it is. So people who make me sad, I love you. :)

Fourthly I hate this whole 'nomnomnom' stage that people are going through. A good friend of mine started doing it a few months ago and now EVERYBODY does it. It is so irritating and is in no way endearing and I just wish people would keep their 'nom's to themselves. It is really annoying.

Lastly I would like very much for someone to decide whether I should do a 12-15,000 word dissertation in my final year, or if I should just stick to doing all modules with normal coursework/exam layouts. Help?

I almost got murdered today. It wasn't fun. Wind clearly has some kind of vendetta against me today.

Peace x

D.W.B

This time it'll be different. Yeah, this time, it'll be different.

Your lips are darker than before and the bags under your eyes are blacker than they were and there's something different about your skin and nobody knows how you got home last night.

Your bones are making me feel weary and when you speak I can't hear a word that you say and nobody knows how you got home last night.

If there were 3 old dances we could dance maybe, 3 old songs that we could sing maybe; everything could be alright but, I keep tripping up the steps and there are just some words I forget and the tunes are fuzzy in my mind and nobody knows how you got home last night.

And my brain hurts. My shoulders ache. I'm not sure if my heart can take.

My brain hurts, my shoulders ache and I, I have never felt this kind of pain.

My brain hurts and my shoulders ache and I think my heart is about to break.

And, nobody knows how you got home last night.

Still, no-one knows how you got home last night.

Just a little something.

D.W.B

Temporary Home.

Mmmhmmm. This is our temporary home.

I haven't written one of these for a while so I'm taking this late Saturday night opportunity to do so.

My life is fine. The same ole same ole. Uni. Home. Nothing is different. It's good, it's fine, it's the same.

I have given up Facebook and whilst this is probably a temporary move, I have not missed it the majority of the time I've gone without it. I will probably start using it again in a couple of months, but on a far less frequent basis than ever before, and only to arrange to meet friends, for example.

This move has made my irritation with people online greater than ever before. This obviously mainly stems from twitter where it is easy access to strangers. I don't follow as many people I don't know (bar famous people) as I used to. Maybe 3? People on that site scare me. I tweet a lot, but this is mainly at night when I'm indoors after a day of doing things and being active. If I tweet during the day, it's usually from my phone when I'm out living life, even if it is just in lectures. There are, however people who tweet constantly, all day, every day. It scares me. I don't understand it. Why don't people go for walks and enjoy the weather, even if it's raining? Why don't people embrace such things that will be taken from us sooner, rather than later? It's beyond me. Even just walking around campus is something I enjoy. The different people, with different backgrounds. The trees, the wildlife.

It scares me that they seem to get so attached to people, strangers that they meet on such sites. People I have met on twitter are mostly very nice, but I have real-life friends & those are the people that matter the most to me and I just can't quite comprehend a life where I make all of my friends on a website. They more often than not live far away and I find it hard to believe you can ever truly know somebody you meet from behind a screen? They aren't friends. They are nice strangers who put up a photo with a cheesy smile which they probably remove from their faces as soon as the flash from their camera taking such a photo has gone. It's bewildering. Alas, each to their own. I just pray for these people and hope they realise that real life is a beautiful thing that you need to experience first hand. I'm even talking about interactions with people face to face. I think Uni has taught me that meeting new people in person is an incredible thing.

I say this every year so I will be brief this time. Valentines day is a pointless way for large corporations to take their greed and abuse a seemingly naive public. It is a way for manufacturors (sp?) to make money in between Christmas and Easter and disgusts me. If anybody needs a specified holiday to show and tell somebody that they 'love' them instead of doing it all year round then I can't help but feel that maybe such feelings of 'love' have been misunderstood by said people. Either that or they're a dumbass. This is the jist. I'm sure you get it. (I wonder how many people will suggest I'm bitter about being single? Probably one of the people celebrating valentines day...)

I needed to get these things off my mind and typing them out so I can read them helps. Sorry this has been a boring/moany one.

D.W.B

Can of soda and a lime tree forest.

My eyes are sore and my head is tired and so I try to keep consciousness whilst I babble on and bore.

2010 so far has been good. My new years was so much fun. I was very drunk and I fell over but spilt barely any of the three pints I was holding. At 5 to midnight I downed two pints so that I could be outside by the Thames as the clock struck. At midnight it snowed and the fireworks went off and I felt like I was in some kind of cheesy 1920s film. It was fun. I hope you all enjoyed your festive periods and eat far too much, drank even more, and put on a couple of stone.

Isn't it weird that we call the piece of fabric we put onto a table a table 'cloth'. It is clearly just a bit of material. Why not a table rug? Or a table throw? These things never cease to amaze my mind hahaha.

I really want some McNuggets right now. 20. If I was insured on the car I would be off to that drive through in no time. 

I HATE SNOW/ICE. I am sick sick SICK to death of it. It was fun first time round when I built Roger but truth be told it's old now and I think it needs to get out of my life.

I have relaxed so far this year. I love my new wii fit plus and have played it every day. I am simply the best at heading, being a penguin, skateboarding, muscle work outs and snow ball fights. Don't try compete 'coz you will FAIL.

I have another 10ish days off of Uni in which I am going to begin revising for the summer (I KNOW, changed man much?) and will continue to relax. Tomorrow (Friday) I will go out and have a few drinks to say goodbye to most of my friends until Easter time. :(

I am so sad that Gavin and Stacey ended. It was such a good series of programmes but I am, in a way glad they decided to stop it. The story had been told and it is definitely best to quit whilst something is popular. Best to keep the memory good and not tarnish it!

I don't know what I'm going to watch if I stay in on a Friday night without FNWJR now he has left the beeb!

Avatar 3D is such a good film with such good meanings. We need to make a CHANGE to save our planet! Instead of throwing all your rubbish into one bin, seperate the plastic, card, paper etc and recycle. It's not hard. It gets collected. Don't be lazy. Little things such as this make a difference. Do it. :) I also want my own Avatar so that I can visit Pandora :(.

This is all really. Babbled on long enough.

Aim high, work hard, achieve great!

Heal the world, peace and love.

x